Wednesday, August 26, 2009

You Are Cordially Invited to Witness My Nervous Breakdown

I have turned my comments back on! Why? I need you my little bloggy friends...I need you terribly!

You see, this school is not going well. I have been reading a book lately and one of the chapters is called, "In the Valley of Dry Bones". That is where I am. I am truly just drained. We have only been in school for 2 1/2 weeks and for the first time in my home schooling journey, I am ready to throw in the towel.

Our days are utter chaos, my house is utter chaos, and my soul feels utterly chaotic! I know, all I have done lately is whine, I am sorry...that is why I need you. I need your honest little bloggy souls to pick me up by the boot straps and tell me to get over it.

I just can't seem to do it for myself.

Tigerfan says that it is because I am doing this Bible Study for my kids. He says that Satan is attacking because of it. And, perhaps he is right, although I certainly don't think I am writing anything really deep or profound. But he is definitely hitting those areas. So far, the last three weeks, whatever "fruit" we are studying is the area we are really being hit in. The love week was mild in comparison, but last week was joy. Over and over little things crept into our home stealing our joy. And I, the one who is "teaching", and I use that term VERY loosely, was the worst.

This week, is peace...I do not think I have ever had so much chaos and lack of peace in my home ever! From the mess, to the piles of laundry that disturb the physical peace, to fighting among siblings, to the total storm within me over my feelings of failure and frustration and anger because things aren't going like they should.

I have a pre-teen who is mad at me constantly, a 20 month old who thinks he is two and acts accordingly, tantrums at all, a 6 year old still struggling terribly just to stay afloat with reading and math skills, and a 9 year old whose greatest joy in life is stirring things up and annoying people into crying, screaming, or yelling!

On top of this, the work load is overwhelming me and we are spending a minimum of 8 hours a day doing school. I cannot seem to be everywhere I need to be and have four little ones all needing something that I seem unable to give.

I am sitting here, tears streaming down my face in utter surrender. I do not feel God has changed his mind about us home schooling, but we have seriously looked at a private school this week (that we cannot afford). I am so frustrated because I know this is what I am supposed to be doing, but I just don't want to do it right now. I am in the valley of dry bones.

So, my precious friends, please pray. I know that you do not have any easy answers. I know these problems seem so small in comparison to what so many are going through right now. I know all of you have a million things going on as well. But I am asking that when you get a moment, please just lift us up. I don't even know what to ask you to pray for--perhaps the peace that is so illusive this week.

Thank you my dear friends, for letting me rant and vent and cry and pout. And thank you for your prayers!


Spesamor Academy said...

Definitely praying for you. ((hugs))
And for what it's worth. I agree with your husband, it's an attack.
Use your Sword to defend yourself and your family. That, and lots and lots of prayer. :)

Growin' with it! said...

i totally agree on your being attacked. doubt seems to be one of his sneakiest manuevers!

i truly believe that homeschooling is a calling and you my friend amaze me. you truly do. don't be so hard on yourself, you can do this and you will get past this point. and call me ignorant, but isn't one of the joys of homeschooling is that it can be done on your own time schedule? what about taking some time off..time to breathe! give yourself some time out to regroup and then go at it again. just a thought.

but in all honesty...i do believe in you and i believe you are doing an awesome job as mommy/teacher/wife/friend! i will most certainly pray for you because you are dear to my ♥.

chin up sweet friend!

Spesamor Academy said...

And please do email me! Not because I have any advice to give you, because I don't, but because I would love to be able to chat with you if you turn your comments back off. My email address is on my blog.
Still praying for you...

Rachel Anne said...

I had to jump down to this post first, and I'm sorry I missed it earlier when you wrote it.

I sincerely don't have any words of advice, but please know that I have thought of you over the past week and have been praying for you! I know it's been a struggle and I felt led to pray.

I know your heart is for your family and your home, so the chaos is especially hard. Wouldn't it be great if you weren't bothered by a mess and laundry? Think of how easy life would be if you didn't care! :) I'm kidding, but in reality I think there is always going to be a certain amount of chaos that is inevitable when your time is "taken" with entire days of schooling, etc. On the days I work outside the home, nothing gets done inside's all waiting for me when I get home :(. I guess my point is that you can't expect to do everything you WERE doing before homeschooling as easily and efficiently now that you have more responsibility....and a toddler, for crying out loud!

You are doing a great job...and you need to take care of yourself as much as you can. Your kids will probably not remember that there were piles of laundry. They probably won't remember your melt-downs. (Yay!) They will always remember your care and love for them, even when things were hard. Hang in there, take a break and enjoy the freedom that homeschooling can deserve it.

carikaufm said...

Wow! You know I thought when I read last week's post.."I wish she had comments on, I would so love to send her a word of encouragement!"

I am so glad that you have turned your comments back on, but that life seems to have gotten so crazy!

I agree with all the gals on several counts. 1) you are under significant spiritual attack...I will add my prayers to the others here, and encourage you to pray out loud over the Bible study you are teaching...boldly and with great force...
2) you should invoke your right as a homeschool teacher and declare a pre-winter snow day! or better yet, an "every help mom with the laundry day!"
3) What you are doing is amazing. You ARE holding it together! You are still sludging through...even though it is difficult...think of the fantastic life lessons you are modeling for your children (I am serious): life is hard sometimes, even, nay especially, when you are doing things right...and it is ok to get overwhelmed by it. My email is would love to offer any sort of support I can to a fellow company girl!

Lea said...

I am worn out just reading all that is going on in your life. I have such admiration for "home schooling Moms!" Perhaps you do need a break, and perhaps this is the Lord's way of showing you. I certainly don't have the answer, but will be praying for you and that God will make His will known very plainly. Do keep us posted and I love it when you open your comments. :)

magnet for the crazy said...

Well you have my vote as supermom of the year! Isn't it just like us moms to feel guilty and blame ourselves when things don't go right. Its not your fault you just haven't found your groove! It takes an extraordinary person to take on the load you have, remind yourself how great you are!!! I wish I had the courage you do, I send my kids to school so I dont know if I could be of any help in the advice category but on those crazy days throw caution to the wind and allow the craziness! Take a lesson outdoors then reward them with recess get them good and tired and go in for a quick lesson and enforce a mandatory quiet nap/realx time and take a minute for yourself. I have one of those children that like to stir the pot and I find keeping her busy with tings that can funnel the energy help things go smoother sometimes it takes bribery but Im not below that you have to do what it takes sometimes. KEEP YOUR CHIN UP!!! You can do it your amazing!!

Aimee said...

I have been away from the computer since last week, so I am sorry that I am just getting to read this now and not when you were crying out.

I will keep you in my prayers. I DEEPLY admire you for homeschooling your children, I always have.

I am praying and hoping that many of these things will resolve themselves just with the passage of time -- such as the tantruming 20 mo. old. I've got one of those too!

And your hubby may be on to something regarding your Bible study. My kids and I never fight more than when we are headed to or from church. The devil is always looking for the right moment.

Keep praying - God will send the grace you need. He'll never leave you without a defense against the snares of the devil. Maybe part of your defense are the prayers of the friends you have met here.

I'll leave you with a very old Catholic prayer that I used to say in grade school and one that I have turned to now as an adult:

Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, Prince of the Heavenly Hosts, by the power of God, cast into Hell, Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls.

Praying for you, my friend.

Kim said...

I am going through exactly the same thing! This is my fourth year schooling at home. I have an 8yr. old son and 6yr. old son that I school and then a 2yr. old daughter that I, chase!
Our first 8 days of school included tears from both boys, a general craziness from my daughter (probably due to lack of the usual attention from me) and a house that looks as if a tornado came through. (I don't think we've had a meal that wasnt't put together on the fly in the past couple weeks). Try as I might, I can't seem to get into the groove. The school days never seem to go anywhere near what is planned and whenever I ask other homeschoolers how it's going I get, "Oh, great. This is our best year yet." Seriously!!!
Unfortunately, I have no answers for you. But, knowing what you are going through... I have lots of prayers for you. I will be lifting you up to the One who can handle it all and then some.
Isaiah 43:2 says, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

Sheri said...

Gracious! Is the b4 workboxes? I hope so.
Short answer to your ??-take a week or so off-no school!!! Just work on your projects and organization. See if someone (even hiring a neighbor to come over) to watch the kiddos so you can work uninterrupted. Then do fun stuff for the rest of the day-movies (home or at a cinema), nature walks, hitting the local park for some play time-you need to rejuv your juices! Bake, sleep in-and then start near the end of your "vaca" to wean in new ground rules-no more whining, pestering or fighting. Toddler gets time outs and so do the rest-and stick to it if necessary. It won't be pretty, but something must be done. School will not get accomplished with the kiddos in chaos. Set up a chart for behavior...they get stickers or something for each time you catch them being GOOD and when they hit a predetermined amount-they get something good-like a time out of the house with mom (to the ice cream shop or something like that) or a special privilege like staying up later, playing a special game with Daddy or whatever. And yes, you are under attack, seems ole Satan left my house and came to yours? About that same time, I was experiencing it as well. Obviously-he doesn't like us keeping our kids home with us! Praying for you dear.