I mentioned last time that summer had been busy for us and that hasn't changed a bit...I don't foresee looking back on this season and remembering the lazy days of summer.
In fact, that is a big reason that I haven't been around. Well, that and the Casey Anthony trial that has me completely mesmerized...but I digress. That is also something that I have been struggling with and am trying to work through this summer. You see, and may remember, that it was last summer that I read a book that changed my entire perspective on things. It was the book "Radical" by David Platt. I am still changing and reevaluating as a result of that book (and, I feel the need to add, my subsequent time in scripture and prayer). Anyway, while I do not feel the need to earn my salvation and understand grace through faith. I have also come face to face with the fact that, if I am a christian I should be devoting myself to spreading the gospel, to reaching the unchurched and to ministering to those around me.
I confess, for many years my standard answer to this dilemma was..."my family is my ministry" and while that idea is good, I realize that I am deceiving both myself and my family. Nothing has done more to show me that than our time at an apartment complex where our church has a ministry. This year, I have seen how I have closed my eyes to the need right here around me. Precious children who live right across the street from a church and have NEVER heard the name of Jesus. Teenagers who are completely shocked when they hear stories about Jesus feeding the five thousand or walking on water. People, in the Bible belt, surrounded by christian people who have no idea Christ (or anyone else) loves them...not for their body or their drugs or their "stuff", but because they are. An entire complex of people that are lost and dying and DO NOT EVEN KNOW IT! It is sobering.
And so, my perspective and my priorities have changed. And that is good. However, the place I am struggling with is this. I am an introvert. While I enjoy being around people and laughing and having a good time, it is draining to me. I NEED my alone time. I NEED quiet moments away. I'm not sure someone who isn't an introvert can quite understand how draining it can be to just socialize...but that is me. This summer, I haven't had that alone time. My kids are home all the time demanding attention, I am trying to help with a sports camp this summer, participating in and planning VBS's, trying to have children's friends over, and keeping up with a few of the children from the apartment complex while we are on summer break. In addition, my nephew is staying with us for a couple of weeks and I am trying to plan and prepare for our trip to Idaho to visit with my family. While all of these things are good and I can't imagine what I could possibly give up, they have left me exhausted. In fact, yesterday I lashed out at poor dancer just out of the need for quiet alone time. Even getting on the computer and reading blogs is such an effort for me right now...it feels like work, and so I have spent almost no time doing that.
However, yesterday, I read a blog I haven't read in weeks and the writer summed up what I am feeling. I have lost my ability to dream. I can think, I can plan, I can look at all that is undone before me and fret about choosing and ordering next year's curriculum. I can freak out at how I cannot afford next year's curriculum. I can think about how I totally need a job to pay for curriculum, but I am just too exhausted to even contemplate adding something else to the to-do list. I can think of ministries that are needed and organization that needs to be done...but I cannot dream, I cannot plan, I cannot even think of things to write (which you may disagree with as you look at the length of this "short" post). I have completely lost my blogging "mojo" and am completely without inspiration when I try to sit down and write. That makes me sad...because it is something I used to enjoy so much and I feel that I am losing a little piece of me. I am hoping it is just a season and that soon I will find that passion and fun again.
But for now, I guess I am just hoping that some of my sweet company girl friends would just say a quick prayer for me. That you would forgive me for not being around much and know that I do miss you. And if you have an extra moment, that you would pray I could find that balance. That I would be able to begin dreaming again and that I would learn to minister and reach out but also allow myself that time to be alone and recharge, cause like it or not, that is how God made me!
I totally did not know that this was going to become a whine-fest, but thanks for letting me unload on you poor, unsuspecting things. I hope everyone has and incredible, blessed, and RELAXING weekend! Don't forget to check out Home Sanctuary for more Coffee Talk!