Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Just For Me

It has been 2 years since I have written a thing on this blog...and that is okay. I have missed writing and feel like I have missed documenting little stories and snippets of life around here, but life has gotten busy and inspiration has been sparse. Several times, I have told myself I would like to get back into blogging, but at midnight, when I am just finishing up chores from the day and I am choosing between blogging and sleeping...sleeping ALWAYS wins out!

 I know that there is probably no one left reading this blog anymore...and that is okay, because this one is just for me, a journal of sorts, a way to remember, at some time in the future where I was today and all that God has done since. You see, yesterday, our life changed A LOT! Yesterday, my husband accepted a job across the country.

 There are so many exciting things about this, and so many things that scare me to death! God has been working on us for several years. He began refining us and challenging us and showing us what the Christian faith is really about. We made changes, some of them documented here. We changed our priorities, we started volunteering, we gave more sacrificially, we ADOPTED!!! But, two years ago, we felt God calling us to the Northwest. We knew the need was huge there and felt God leading us to become part of His work. We pursued many outlets, we prayed, we talked to many people, we made a vision trip...but doors kept closing. We finally decided that, while we felt God's call was real, maybe the timing wasn't right. So, we continued to pray but stopped pursuing for awhile. And then, this opportunity presented itself. The timing seemed perfect and the process began. It was long and rigorous and I really do not feel the need to document it all except to say that it involved a lot of prayer and soul searching and counseling from people smarter than us! :) We knew our oldest (who just graduated high school, praise God) would not go with us to the Northwest...but our other children were on board. My family is out there and the thought of living close to that set of grandparents and cousins was pretty exciting! So, the waiting and the praying and the soul searching has been going on a long time, and last week, we got the husband was offered this ministry opportunity! He is so perfect for this job and I know he will LOVE it! I am so excited to see him step into this job and flourish and I am so excited to see how the Lord uses him.

 However, the excitement is mixed with utter and complete fear right now, and THAT is the reason for posting. A good friend called yesterday to see how we were doing...I may or may not have cried like a baby talking to her. I laid out many of my fears and she advised me to write them down so that over time, as we see how God takes care of every single one, I can look back and see how faithful He is and remember the stories to tell my children and grandchildren. Since I'm not really a good journaler (pretty sure I just coined a new term), my blog seemed like the place to do it! So, why am I freaking out right now when I should be filled with excitement?

 *This is a self-funded position. We are responsible for raising at least $60,000 dollars a year from donors who have a passion for our ministry.

 *When it first started looking like this would happen, we thought we would have about 4 months to try to raise support. Due to some delays, etc. in the hiring process, we only have 6 weeks. AAAAAAAGH!

 *We don't really know rich people, so $60,000/year...AAAAAAGH!

 *I checked the real estate sites...because I enjoy giving myself a nervous breakdown. The median home price where we live is $90,000, the median home price where we are relocating is $226,000...and my husband is taking a HUGE paycut! I'm pretty sure, we are going to have to live in tents!

 *Our house...oh, people our house. We bought our house because we loved it. We loved the style, we loved the property, we loved the wood floors. But our house has been...high maintenance. We have replaced the roof 1 1/2 times and we now need to replace the other half again along with the sunroof...estimate $5,000. We have replaced every pipe in the house inside and out, usually due to leaks meaning patches in ceilings, warped floors, etc. We have replaced the hot water heater...and do not even get me started on that nightmare and our water source heat pump and air conditioning issues would make a grown man cry! Anyway, over the years, as we have saved for home improvements, the money has always ended up going to fix the immediate crisis. As a result, not only do we need to replace the roof, we need to replace all the windows and the siding on the house. The liner on our pool has several holes in it that we have just been working around, but it really needs to be replaced. We also need to fix the upstairs bathroom that I decided to "update" 10 years ago and it became so much of a nightmare that it still sits unfinished with two different wall papers showing and chunks of missing sheetrock where I tried to remove said wallpaper. Just getting our house into sellable condition would probably cost close to $20,000 (or more)...and the market here is not good. There are 2 other houses on our street that have been for sale for months.

 *Where will our children go to school? Because of the cost of living increase and my husband's salary decrease, I will have to go to work full time. That means I will no longer be able to home school and we will need to put our children into public school. However, since our house will probably not have sold by the time we go, we will probably be living with my parents for awhile. The ministry is asking us to live in a different area. That means two different school systems. I really do not want to put our kids in one school and then have to pull them out and put them in another, this is going to be hard enough without doing that to them.

 *Speaking of school, we are moving to an area that is not very accepting of christianity. It is very heavy in one religion and it is really hard to make friends, get a job, etc. if you are not part of "that" church. I am really scared for my kids. I so want them to thrive, have friends, etc.

 *Our 15 year old was totally on board with our move...until he wasn't. He started a traditional school this year and has LOVED it! He joined the baseball team and has made dear friends. Now, we are taking that from him, making him leave the friend group he has always hungered for and are putting him into the situation of having to start over only in a more hostile situation. Mommy guilt, anyone? 

*Our oldest son is starting college this in heaven's name are we going to pay for that now. 

*We are leaving our oldest son here...2,000 miles away from us. My Mommy heart is breaking a little bit.

 *How am I going to find a job? Our start date is August 1, I would like to find a job in the school system, but August is maybe not the best time to try to find one there.

 *We accepted the job yesterday. We leave for vacation in 2 weeks and will be gone for 2 1/2 weeks. When we return, we will have less than a month to pack the house, get it ready to sell, get it on the market and get to our new is that even possible?

 *We will not be here to look after the house or keep it up for potential buyers.

 *We are leaving my husband's family here. They have been such a blessing for the 20 years of our marriage. We are so excited to start this new adventure, but it is HARD to leave them! They are sad that the grandkids are going to be so far away and we will not be here to help them as they get older. 

Every few minutes, I think of something else to freak out about, so I am sure there is more...maybe I will just continue to add to this list. I know this sounds like whining, but I really just want a place to document how I am feeling...because I serve a BIG God. He is not intimidated by these things and He is not freaking out saying..."Oh, I hadn't thought about that one!" In my mind, I know that He has a plan and I know it is good. It is probably not what I expect, but I know it will bring Him glory and I want to remember that! I want to remember where I am right now so that when God shows out...I can see it and recognize it and cling to it in those moments when I just cannot even breathe.

 For now, I am claiming Psalm 55:22, "Cast your cars on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous by shaken."