Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Longing

noun--strong, persistent desire or craving, esp. for something unattainable or distant: filled with longing for home.

Have you ever had a longing for something. A desire. A craving for something that seemed just out of reach. Wanting for it. Begging for it, yet never quite able to reach it.

I've been thinking a lot today about the things I long for.

Things that I have longed for in the past, like marriage and children and have finally received. Things I longed for and never received and yet somehow were forgotten. Boys I had a crush on or the "must have" I never got.

Some of those longings seem so silly now--yet it was heartbreaking at the time.

Some of those longings were so different than what was expected...like children! Worth it? You bet! Easy? Never!

I guess I never expected, at 37, to still be filled with such longings. Still longing for significance, a longing to know, to REALLY KNOW, my Heavenly Father, a longing for a true, deep friendship, a longing to be closer to my family, a longing just to see my sister even for just a week.

I don't think those longings are bad, but sometimes they consume me and I begin to ask why. To question. I begin to wonder am I not holy enough? Not pretty enough? Not talented enough?

I am sure there will be many longings I never receive. There will probably be more no's than yes's (cause I have a pretty big wanter!) and yet, today, as I mulled over (okay...pouted over) some of those longings, I realized that I'm not questioning as much as I used to.

In the past few months, I have done some reading and Bible study that really encouraged me to know God. To be still and allow Him to show Himself to me. To read about Him searching for who He is. Not out of guilt or obligation or to check it off my to do list, but out of a passion to draw nearer to Him.

I must admit, I have been skeptical. I haven't seen a hand writing in the sky. I haven't heard a thunderous voice...let's face it, I haven't even heard a whisper. But I have been still, I have been getting to Know Him better. And today, in the midst of a no that I really don't want to hear, I realized...it is okay. God is good...all the time. Not just when I get what I long for, but when I don't as well. I will probably never understand, this side of Heaven, why there were things He said no to. But He is still Good. He is still God. A God of love. A God of peace. A God who Knows ALL things.

One of my deepest longings, for quite sometime, has been to have a really close girl friend. Someone who I "get" and who "gets" me. Someone I feel comfortable sharing my heart with. Someone I can laugh with and whine to and cry with and be totally stupid with. I have never really had that. I am usually the third wheel. The other friend. The one who latches on. I have prayed about this, cried about this, begged for this. I have told God how much I needed this friend and even explained to Him, very thoroughly, about how He created us for relationships and companionship and so it really was His duty to provide me with someone. Someone female so we could have "girl time". Someone who I could actually see and touch. Someone whose phone number I knew and lived in, you know, the same time zone! That is not such a tall order for the Almighty, right!

And yet, that friend has not yet introduced herself to me! Oh, I have friends but not THE FRIEND, come on, girls, you know what I mean.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, I had a house guest and she told me something so profound! She had THAT friend. They did everything together. Their kids were the same ages, they home schooled together, went on field trips together, everything. And then, one day, the friend told her they were moving. She was DEVASTATED! She cried and prayed and begged, but the friend moved away. Now, looking back, she sees that during that time, she learned to rely on God, not herself and not her friend, but God. That reliance on God has gotten her through some really, really hard times in the past few years. He has brought and is faithfully bringing her through things she never imagined she would experience and the relationship that she was forced into with Him has been what she clung to.

Oh, how I long to be satisfied with Him as that friend. You see, I have that friend I long for, I can talk to Him day or night and if I seek Him, I will find Him. He is not what I had pictured when I began praying that my longing be fulfilled. I can't touch Him, but He touches me. I can't see Him, but I can see His creation. I don't know everything about Him but He knows, understands and loves every part of me.

That, my friends is so exciting, because He is the answer to my longing. Not unattainable, not too distant...right here, waiting...longing for me!

1 comment:

Growin' with it! said...

oh how i've missed you! and to come back on a post like this...WOW. sometimes i feel like my mind takes over and complicates things so much. like my longings, thoughts about God, friendships, etc. so all going back to that being STILL is excellent advice.

this was such an incredible post girl. you not only encouraged my heart today, but my spirit as well!

sure love you!