Monday, August 9, 2010

Change

I HATE change! I HATE it! I go into it kicking and screaming. I hate it so much that once you walk into my house...you have seen it. The furniture will never change. The "stuff" lying around as decorations will still be there years from now. I cook the same meals, go to the same restaurants and wear the same clothes all the time. When I find something in a restaurant that I like, I will order that item forever. No matter how they change the menu. No matter how delicious something else looks, I won't change. I HATE going to new stores, new restaurants or new places. I just really hate change.

And so...you would think that a few weeks ago, when a potential change presented itself, I would have dreaded it. I normally wouldn't have even thought twice. And yet, something about it called to me. It seemed right. I began looking forward and thinking, with excitement all that this change could mean. I had fun daydreaming and making plans...just in case. I pictured how things "could be" and I actually looked forward to it, embracing change, desiring change.

And now...well now, it seems that change may not be happening after all. It seems that things may just stay the same. Maybe the change will happen, eventually, but not in my timing, and I find myself staring sameness in the face. I don't like it. Now, the thought of another year of the same thing is KILLING me!

I could cry at the thought of another year home schooling a jr. high student. I dread the thought of entertaining a two year old while I try to do Spelling with a second grader. A year with TWO children doing Science Fair sends shutters down my spine. Another season of Bible Study and Sunday School and Dance and Guitar. I'm adding a thing or two, a ministry at a local apartment, FB is running cross country...but I am so depressed by what usually brings me comfort...as evidenced by the MOUNTAINS of processed food I have eaten in the last week.

Why is it I have so much trouble being content? I'm not sure why I cannot just trust God's hand and His plan. I'm not sure why I so often question when He is so faithful...but that is what I am doing right now. I'm not sure why I am even sharing this in such a public way except that I need to get it out, I need to express my heart. I have poured this out to God...He says wait. Pitifully, I have no 3 a.m. friends to whine to right now, so the world wide web gets it instead. On the upside, when you don't post for weeks at a time, people stop reading and there is a very good chance I will just get this off my chest and no one else will ever read it...that is okay. I just need to vent.

So, I'm off. We have begun school and math is calling...as is Tigercub who does not appreciate Momma, his summer playmate, putting him off for unimportant things like reading and phonics. Maybe we will finish early and go out to the pool. Tigercub can nap, the big kids can swim, and I can dream about what might have been! Maybe I'll write a country music song! I can feel one coming on!

2 comments:

Spesamor Academy said...

I'm sorry! ((hugs)) Will it make you feel better to hear that I have an award for you on my blog? :)
Yes?
:)
Because I do.

Lea said...

Oh,Star, I have no idea what change you might be referring to, but I am so sorry. It is SO difficult when things like this happen and waiting on God is even more difficult. But, I can tell you (and you already know) that HIS timing is always perfect. May he wrap His loving arms around you and give you an extra portion of His peace during this valley you are going through. Love you dear!