Tuesday, December 6, 2011

In the Quiet Moments

Shhh, Tigercub doesn't know it, but he is in bed EARLY!!!  The boys are at basketball and Dancer and her friend are in the kitchen decorating stain glass ornaments...best Dollar Tree investment I ever made!  I actually have a free moment to sit here and record a little.

Obviously, the topic on my mind most often these days is adoption.  And I have been thinking about it A LOT this week.  It is funny because we have been so clear about this decision...we have known for a few weeks that we were going through with this huge step, but have kept it quiet.  At first it felt like those first 3 months of pregnancy...I felt the need to keep it a secret in case something happened, in case we didn't pass the Home Study, in case we failed.  After being reassured that I was being overly paranoid, I guess we just waited for the right time...and coming out with it felt so good!

And now, it is out there...and I am terrified!  Suddenly, the financial commitment looms before me.  And then in one week our heat went out (we now know we have a hidden leak somewhere...sounds expensive) and our washing machine died.  Beyond that, the agency we have been talking to for a month doesn't seem to be working out and we are feeling the need to change agencies...a whole month of work down the drain and an application that is intimidating at best.

Doubts begin to creep in.  My insecurities begin to rise.  How will we pay for this?  If I cook, sell, create...will anyone want our "stuff"?  What if I fail in this?  How humiliating!  Why did we share so soon?  Then my thoughts turn to a little girl in Uganda that we do not yet know.  And I am filled with such a love for a total stranger.

I wonder, did she get enough to eat today or did she go to bed wishing for just a little more?  Did anyone read her a story or help her brush her teeth?  Did someone hold and cuddle her before laying her down or did she go to bed longing for human touch?  Did anyone speak Jesus to that sweet girl today?  Did anyone tell her how beautiful she is and how she is known and loved by the Creator.  Does she have a special friend to play with or is she lonely?  She is already in my heart.  Does she sense that someone is out there praying for her?  Does she long for a loud, chaotic, crazy, family?  Will she be home with us next Christmas?

So I pray, and then I pray some more.  And then I eat chocolate.  Lots and lots of chocolate.  Which makes me think that I should probably start running again.  Running and praying is probably a better choice than eating chocolate and praying, but I'm trying here, people...and let's face it, chocolate is pretty tough to beat!

A friend told me this process would be a roller coaster...I guess I just never imagined the ups and downs would come so soon.  So, we wait in faith and we pray for our little one and we walk moment by moment.  Looking backward or forward is too scary right now.  We can't go back to the days when we didn't see the orphan crisis all around us and we can't move forward without walking in obedience.

So that is where we are here in the Tigerden.  If you have a moment, please pray for us as we begin this journey...and feel free to send chocolate.


Anonymous said...

Praying for you my friend.

Shauna said...

Little sister, I was so touched by your words. They brought tears to my eyes and a longing to know my new niece. I am praying for you. I can't wait to meet the youngest member of our family.

Aimee said...

Absolutely! you can be assured of my prayers for your family and the new little one you are working to bring home. That's so fantastic! Don't succumb to spiritual attacks - be strong, pray, and eat some chocolate. :)