Thursday, June 4, 2015

And Then She Freaked Out Some More

So it has been a week since I poured out all my fears here.  On a good note, I'm not crying every hour of the day anymore.  On a bad note...not a lot of answers have appeared yet.

The reality of our situation has become we have begun to tell people and prepare for a new adventure.  I have cried with several good friends and have given official notice to the tutorial that I will not be coming back.  I have talked to a couple of parents who said that their children were going to be devastated that Mrs. Star would not be their Science teacher next year.  Admittedly, that makes me feel good...I hope they knew I loved them and I hope they loved learning about God's world.  They will also all breathe a HUGE sigh of relief when they realize that Mrs. Star not being there probably means no Science Fair project.  I will try not to get my feelings hurt when that revelation hits and the celebration begins!  :)

I have begun going through one room at a time and trying to purge "stuff" that I don't want to have to move.  I thought that would be easy and freeing but it is TOUGH.  Every room I start working in is a reminder of how unsettled we are right now.  Every decision is made more difficult because we just do not know much of anything and I do not operate well like that.

I guess the hardest part of trusting God is trusting God.  :)  I know that sounds ridiculous, but even though I know, in my head, that these things are really small issues for Him, in the reality of day to day life, they feel insurmountable.  I am glad no one is really reading this anymore because I have to confess to being a really shallow baby right now.  I HATE not knowing.  I HATE not knowing when we will move.  I HATE not knowing where my kids will go to school.  I HATE not knowing where I will be living or working or going to church.

Every day is another question and another frustration.  Should I sell my home school books?  I don't know.  What if I sell them and then we do not raise the money  in time to start in August?  What if I don't sell them and we do and then I am forced to pack and move a TON of books we won't be using. What if I pack up each room and then we don't move as planned?  Do I have to live in a chaotic half moved zone for 6 months?  What if I don't pack and we do move?

So these are some of the things going through my mind constantly and then yesterday, I just hit a wall.  You see my sister texted to tell me that there were teaching positions open in her school and I could probably get a job there and just work toward getting re-certified while I worked.  This seemed like a great option to me.  She works at a charter school where kids get in on a lottery basis and teachers in the school get priority.  If I could get on there, my kids would have a good chance getting in.  That means that no matter where we live, they can stay in that school and we would not have to worry about putting them in one district temporarily and then moving them again.  I was so excited!  I thought maybe this was a first answered prayer, a way to settle my mind that things were going to be okay.  I excitedly went to tell my husband...he wasn't thrilled at all.  He immediately responded that that school wasn't in our target area of ministry and we needed to try to keep things within the boundaries of our ministry area.  I was crushed!

I know this is very small and petty...but this is my journal right now and it is where I am.  You see, a few days ago, I had another idea about a job.  I love the idea of only buying fair trade items and supporting the marginalized in our purchases instead of the big box companies.  So, I saw an opportunity to work for a direct sales company that gives jobs to women in developing countries.  I loved that idea.  I could feel like I was making a difference, maybe make some friends and help support our family.  I mentioned the idea to Chris...and he immediately responded that I could not do that because it would take me away from the ministry too much.

Please understand, I love this ministry and I am excited.  But...they aren't giving ME a job...they are giving it to my husband.  He is so excited because he is filled with ideas and visions and anticipation. He knows what he is going to be doing.  I, on the other hand, am excited about the opportunity...but I don't have a role...I am trying to figure out where I fit in and what my place is and it feels like every time I turn around, another question arises but never an answer.  I kind of feel like I am smothering.  Each time I feel like I can grasp a little air, get a little relief, I am pushed back under again to wait and wonder.  To be really honest, I am a little resentful.  For the first time in 20 years, I will live close to my family and I feel like I won't even be able to see them unless I have a signed note from the ministry.  I am resentful because I feel like I have lost my choice in everything.  I cannot choose where I live, I cannot choose where my kids go to school, I cannot choose where I get a job...I am so disempowered...and that makes me mad...but that is where I should be, that place where I am utterly powerless so that God has all the power.  That place where, whatever happens, I will know not I but Him?

So that is where I am right now.  I look forward to coming back here, at some point and shaking my head and laughing at my lack of faith.  I look forward to writing down how God swept in and took care of all the details that I am panicking about.  I know that my failures right now will be God's victories in the future.  For now, I am just crying a lot and trying to hang on...but I am tired, so if anyone does stumble across this page...please say a little prayer for me.  Pray that I will just keep my eyes on the One who sustains, pray I would submit gracefully to the authority of my husband and that I would be willing to go through this refining process.  It isn't comfortable or fun, but I know that, if I come out of it reflecting the One who refines, it will be worth it!

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30

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