Nailed It!

Soooo, maybe regular blogging hasn't happened yet, but two weeks is a lot better than two years, right?

Things are just rolling along pretty normally around here.  Spring Break is creeping up on us and I CANNOT wait!  I seriously never appreciated the awesomeness of Spring Break until I was back in a traditional school setting.  Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell Mother Nature that Spring Break is just about here, so Chris and Coop are helping some local people pack a moving truck in the snow today!😁

I, on the other hand have stayed toasty warm inside cleaning the house like a boss!  That is, after spending half the morning watching mindless shows.

Saturdays, Chris and I have started a little tradition of coming down before the kids get up, fixing coffee and watching a house show together...we ,unfortunately, started referring to this as our Saturday morning adult cartoons and really did not realize how bad that sounded until it was kind of a habit to say...I promise, it is totally PG!  Our current series we  have been watching is Hometown, which is about some people in Laurel, MS trying to revitalize their small town by fixing up the old houses.  It is so fun to see the transformations and dream of all the things we could do to make our house cute if we had money!  😀

After Chris and Cooper headed off to help people move, I totally intended on getting up and going to the grocery or cleaning house or exercising, or something productive, but Lilly introduced me to another show that you totally need to watch.  It is a Netflix series called Nailed It.  It only has 6 episodes so you can totally binge watch it today and not even waist a whole weekend.  The premise is that they take amateur bakers and give them challenges to recreate cakes or baked goods done by professionals.  Y'all, it is a HOT MESS!  I sat on our couch, totally by myself laughing until I cried...it is funny because it is so accurate, those total fails are totally what would happen if I tried to bake that stuff.  I stopped watching after 2 episodes because:

1. I wanted to be a responsible home owner and mother and gift my family with a clean house and possibly even groceries for real meals this week (still on the fence about that last part). 
2. I felt that, as a loving wife, denying Chris the enjoyment of watching this with me was just too cruel...even after almost 23 years of marriage...I am a keeper, y'all!  

In complete honesty, number 2 carried a lot more weight than number 1.  Please, set aside some time this weekend to just try out 1 episode...you can thank me later!

So now, I SHOULD be sitting down to meal plan for the week and go shopping.  Instead, I am typing a blog.  Because, priorities!  Honestly,  Chris and I did something that we have been saying we were going to do for over a year but we finally bit the bullet and did it this week...we joined a gym!  BLAH!  I know this is a good thing, I know it is necessary for health, I know this should be considered a good use of money...but y'all, I hate gyms, and exercise, and eating healthy!  I just want to be little and cute and still eat yummy food and binge watch Nailed It.  But, since that hasn't really worked out for me, we are trying to be good and eat right and go to the gym...although, today, we are feeling several days of gym membership and may skip a day or two.  But, if I am going to spend money and time in a gym...I guess I should make better food choices as well.  I told y'all last blog that I was doing a weight loss Bible Study but that I was struggling with it.  Still struggling...still on day 10 after starting a month ago.  I was thinking about it this week and wondering why it is so hard for me.  I honestly get angry when I open it up and start working on the Study and trying to decide where my boundaries will be.  Why do I react like that?

This is what I have been wrestling this week and this is where I have landed...the last almost three years have been rough for me.  I had this picture of what life would look like doing ministry in SLC...but our actual life looks a lot like those fails on Nailed It.  I pictured walking along side Chris, hand in hand doing ministry together.  I imagined a church that embraced us and wanted to minister with us.  I imagined doing women's Bible Studies with our leaders and becoming a second mom to them.  I imagined using my place in a school to help make connections and build a bridge between life and ministry.  I imagined nights around a fire singing "Kumbaya" and kids in and out of our house constantly with fresh baked treats.  The reality is, being a full time working mom is HARD!  I can remember breaking down at one point when we were looking for houses here.  The market in SLC is so ridiculous compared to Jackson, TN  and the houses we could afford were depressing.   Not only that, we were restricted to living in a certain area of town.  Then, something happened at work that left me without a job for the next year that I thought I was going to have.  I remember just bursting into tears in the classroom saying I was just so sick of not being in control of anything...and I guess, in a way, I am still having that temper tantrum.

EVERYTHING is hard here.  Getting immersed in a church while also doing a parachurch ministry is hard.  Finding a real friend in the midst of a totally different culture is hard.  Working in a Title One school is hard.  Trying to help Annet in school when she just keeps falling further behind is hard.  Trying to find leaders that will just commit to leading is hard...and forget any community building or group Bible Studies.  Rejoining my family and trying to figure out where I fit in after being away for 20 years is hard.  Trying to fix supper and spend time with my family and get homework done and still find time to do Bible Study and have a little needed quiet time (Hello, introvert) is hard.  I am soooo tired of everything being hard.  So, as I realize that I NEED to be healthier, I want to look and feel better, and I need to make better choices...I also resist because I am TIRED OF EVERYTHING BEING HARD!  I really do not want to think about whether I am making a good food choice.  I do not want to count calories or resist my craving for chocolate...I just want something to be easy.  However, I also want to look not disgusting for Brooks' wedding...so with that picture in mind, Chris and I are trying to be encouragers and not enablers and we are trying to be serious about exercise and good eating....except part of today...because 50 cent corn dogs at Sonic today, let's just be real!

So, this week, I am trying to happily embrace the hard.  I am going to try to remember that things that are hard are the things that are most worth it and that victory after a hard fight feels so much more amazing than something easily won.  And if I'm not as successful as I hope, I can find friendship in the Nailed It contestants!

Two Weeks and Counting

Two weeks.  In two weeks, we will be loading up a moving van and heading west.  It still isn't real.  It should feel real because we live in a state of utter chaos right now.  Two rooms are full of packed boxes and every other room in the house is in a state of half packedness (I coined yet another term).  In an effort to "get ahead", I have packed everything I think we will not need in the next couple of weeks, but obviously, some of our stuff we do need.

After starting to pack up the kids' rooms, I realized, if there is any chance I will retain any amount of sanity, I actually have to allow  them to have a few of their toys, games, etc.  Although, for a couple of days the perfectly neat rooms were amazing!  I did however, have to break into some already packed boxes and give them back a few items so that I did  not end up in jail after reacting to the favorite saying of mothers everywhere, "I'm bored!"

Needless to say, things have been a bit crazy around here!  Chris is still working a full time job while trying to fundraise, which is also a full time job.  He works a full work day each day and then disappears upstairs to make calls until bedtime...and he has not complained once.  I know he is exhausted, but he has pressed on.

I confess, this fundraising has to end soon, or I will weigh 300 pounds!  As often as possible, we are taking people to coffee or dessert or doing dessert in our house...so four or five times a week, I am eating/drinking about 5 million calories and I haven't exercised in two weeks.  So yes, if you see me...I am packing on the pounds.  AND, I have discovered that when you stress eat, you NEVER accidentally find yourself munching on a carrot!

Honestly, this has been just an amazing time of seeing God work.  Chris was released about a week and a half ago to begin fundraising...and we are at 64%!  That is just so amazing to me.  Knowing we had to raise our own funding was so intimidating to me and I just did not see how it was possible...but, I am telling you, we have the most amazing group of friends, family and church members.  We have been floored and humbled and left speechless by the generosity of people!  We still have a LONG way to go...but our faith has been bolstered by how people have stepped out, have made sacrifices and have believed in this ministry enough to support us.

We were blessed again last night with another answered prayer.  Adam (our 15 year old) was accepted into the high school he wanted to go to.  That is one area that I have continued to worry and pray about.  We had no idea what we would do if they denied our request to get him in.  When I heard the news, I cheered, did a little dance, praised God and ran in to tell Adam.  His response?  "Oh."  I asked him if he was excited and his response, "I guess...about the non required classes."  Welcome to 15 year old boy land!

So, for those who are coming here to see how they can pray:

If you ask Chris, he will be very spiritual.  He will ask you to pray for the kids we will be ministering to and for our volunteer leaders.  The kids will be going to camp next week, so pray for them as they travel and that they would listen as God speaks to them.  Pray that, as we hit the ground in SLC, we will be able to meet kids and that we would be able to establish relationships with the schools.  Pray for the committee and those already in the area that we would be able to blend ideas and visions and work together to reach the kids.

I am not so spiritual right now.  Please pray that we can get our house to an acceptable place to put on the market and that it will sell.  Chris is really stressed right now with work and fundraising and he just does not have time to work on home improvements.  He is having trouble getting people to call him back and it is just more stress he doesn't need.  I, being the more emotional one, am just scared to death of the what ifs...I love this house but know it needs work and just have trouble imagining someone who will love it enough to take it on.  I can't sell this house, but God can!

Pray for Chris' parents as they prepare to send us off and welcome our oldest son into their home.  Brooks is going to live with them and attend Union so that will be a HUGE change for both of them.  We are so grateful for all they have done for us over the years and it is going to be so hard to say goodbye...we are just hoping for some long visits eventually.

Pray for Brooks as he starts college on his own.  In a way, I am so excited for him...this is a big growing up stage, but I am so sad to know that we won't be experiencing it with him.  This is what we raise our kids for, but it is HARD!

Pray for our other kids as they move to a new place and have to start over meeting new friends, new schools, etc.

Well, I could list a million things because I am worrying in advance and have a million what ifs that run through my mind daily.  For now, just pray that I would keep focussed on the eternal.  My tendency is to get bogged down in the practical and forget the kids that we are going to minister to.

Finally, please just give thanks with us, because we serve a good God!  He has been so faithful.  One thing I so want to share with these kids is that He loves us not because of us but because He is LOVE!  I find myself striving to earn that love and I just can't.  Any success, any good you see in us, is just God working in us.  We are so amazed at what God has already done and cannot wait to see how He continues to work!

"Lord, you are my God;
    I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness
    you have done wonderful things,
    things planned long ago."
                                        Isaiah 25:1

I'm Freaking Out a Little Less Often!

I have not, once again, forgotten this little blog.  I really want to keep up with this for my own benefit so I can see how God works through this crazy time.  We have been out of town on a LONG vacation, so I have been MIA.

This year is our 20th anniversary, so Chris surprised me with a cruise to Alaska!  We headed out on June 10 for the three day drive to SLC, to leave the kids with my mom and dad.  After dropping off the kids, we caught a plane to Seattle and spent a day seeing the sights before boarding the boat on Sunday.  We  have never cruised before, so everything was a new experience.  I was a little worried that the stress of all that is going on in our life would affect our enjoyment of the trip...but I am telling you, I have never in my life, ever, been able to just forget everything and just enjoy myself like we did on that cruise...maybe too much because by Friday, Chris and I both admitted to one another that we had so gotten into the relaxation and getting away of the cruise, that we had not even prayed about  all that was going on...oops!

The cruise was really the trip of a lifetime and we had and amazing time...but we did have to come back.  We got to spend four days in SLC with my family before heading back and that was such a blessing.  In fact, one of my big prayers was answered during that time.  One of the things that has stressed me the most about all of these changes, is that our 15 year old was TOTALLY against it.  We had prayed about this, felt he would be okay, still felt God leading us to do this and just started praying for him.  While we were on the cruise, he got LOTS of time with his cousins, one of whom he just absolutely adores.  They have so much fun together and have really similar senses of humor.  She actually lives in Boise, about 5 1/2 hours from Salt Lake, but much closer than we are in TN.  He also has another cousin in SLC that he is the same age as and they have a great time together.  So, by the time we got back from the cruise, his spirits were already higher.  On the first day back, my husband had some things he needed to do for his new ministry, including taking pictures of the area that he will be working in.  So, while I was catching up on MOUNTAINS of laundry, he took my 15 year old and they went exploring.  As it turns out, they looked at all the high schools in the area and our son found one he was really interested in.  I called the school and we ended up going the next day to tour it.  It was AMAZING...people, I think I would go back to high school if I could go here.  It has so many cool classes and so many opportunities, my son was fired up!  He grabbed his phone and said he was about to text all his friends in TN and tell them....he was moving!  I took an opportunity later that day just to check on how he was really doing and he said that as soon as he had seen his cousin he adores so much, he knew everything would be okay and he was ready to move.  Y'all, I cannot even tell you what a blessing those words were.  So much stress lifted off my shoulders and I knew that our God that loves us passionately had worked a miracle in the life of my boy!  How precious to see Him working...and how glad I am that my friend advised me to document it so when things aren't going so smoothly, I can look back and be reminded.

I would like to say that I have been soaring on cloud 9 since, but that would be untrue.  Just as God's people have done through the ages, as time goes on (and, clearly not much time), we tend to forget the blessings and dwell on the tough.  As soon as we got home, the reality of what we were doing smacked us in the face again and the stress began piling up.  We are slowly packing up the house and trying to get things out of the way so we can start getting it ready to put on the market.  A realtor has come by to look at it and was very gracious in his recommendations of what we should fix so we are trying to get done what we can.  The biggest stress there is just our time frame.  We are planning on packing up the moving van on Aug. 1 and heading out Aug. 2...that is not a lot of time to pack up a house we have been in for 11 years with 5 kids!  OY at all the STUFF!  I am trying to be ruthless as I go through the process and purge, purge, purge...some of it is easy, but I also realize that I may be slightly over sentimental...I saved every piece of paper my firstborn touched for awhile...I have BOXES of art projects and notes and papers...I know I need to purge, but I feel so guilty throwing them out, especially now that those tiny little hands are grown up hands that we are about to leave behind (sniff).

Just before getting this opportunity, I was reading Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker (by the way, you should totally read this book...if you are willing to have your world rocked).  She was talking about making a radical life change and how scary it was.  She talked about her husband leaving his job and going 12 days without any idea of how they were going to survive.  So, as we began this process, I kept remembering that story and how, on the twelfth day, they got a call, out of the blue, from a total stranger that began answering some of the questions.  So, each day, as I was having my panic attack, I would cling to that story and remember, just 12 days...we can survive, just like the Hatmaker's did...for 12 days.  Well, it has been over a month and, while some things have become clear, we still have a lot more trusting to do than answers.  We know where two out of our 5 will be going to school (we hope, if the high school will give permission for our son to attend), but I am not sure whether I will be getting a job immediately or home schooling the littles for one more year.  We still have not been cleared to begin fundraising, so we have no support yet, we have a house we have to sell and no way of buying or renting there until we do...and the questions continue.

I lean towards panicking on a daily basis, but a few days ago, in my quiet time, I read a very familiar story.  It is from 1 Kings 17 and it is about Elijah and the Widow at Zarephath.  It is one of those favorite childhood stories that used to come around about once a year in the children's curriculum and I have heard a million times.  One of those that you start to read and then just kind of skim over because, please...I know this one already!  But this time, it really struck me, this story.  So, the CliffsNotes version is this...there hadn't been any rain for a long time and the brook that Elijah was using for water dried up so the Lord directed him to go into Zarephath and find this widow who was going to supply him with food.  So, being a good prophet, he went and sure enough, he saw this widow out gathering sticks and asked her to bring him some water and a piece of bread.  The widow replies that she has no bread and is, in fact, on her way to use her very last bit of oil and flour to make a final meal for herself and her son and then they will die...because the food is gone.  So Elijah, being the sensitive guy that he is, tells her go ahead and go home like she planned but before she makes that last meal for her son and herself, make him a little bread first because the Lord has told him that the flour will not be used up and the oil won't run dry until it rains again.

Y'all, she did it!  I mean, I like to think of myself as super christian, but I'm gonna be honest, as a momma, I think I would have looked at that man and said, "You have got to be kidding, you have some nerve asking me to give you the very last food I have for my son...You are crazy!"  But she did it.  She trusted  and believed that God would take care of her and do exactly what He said He would do.  She didn't ask for a guarantee.  She didn't ask for proof.  She put her life...and the life of her son, on the line because she trusted God's word!  She must have been so scared.  I wonder, as she was going through the process of making that bread, was she talking to herself, was she telling herself she was crazy, were tears running down her face because she was terrified that her trust was misplaced?  Did her son know that she was possibly sacrificing his last meal?  Did she balk at the last moment and wonder if she should just sneak the bread to her little boy?  She must have been so full of worry and fear, but she was obedient, and, of course, He was faithful!  I really wish there was a "where are they now" update on that story...I would love to know what happened to that widow and that you boy after the rain came.  I wonder, did she have a faith that was just unstoppable, or did she eventually forget?  I cannot imagine ever forgetting something like that, and yet I know that is my tendency...to see God work in amazing ways and then when the going gets tough, to feel defeated all over again.  But for now, every time I feel that wave of discouragement, that panic trying to overwhelm me again, I remember that widow...I remember her actions, she didn't just SAY she believed, she radically acted on that belief and I want to do the same.

So, that is where we are today.  Today, there will be more packing, more purging, and probably more crying.  I will have moments of victory where I pat myself on the back because I am making so much progress and moments of utter defeat as I look at all that is left to do.  I will feel guilty for neglecting my kids and will roll my eyes when Chris gets home from work just as stressed out as me.  But through it all, I will know that every single moment of stress and fear and struggle is worth it, because He is refining me and even though I may not be able to see the end right now, He does and He is faithful and loves us with a ridiculous, unfathomable love that it is a privilege to get to share!

Opened Doors

Yet another day of deep thoughts...don't get used to it, school has started and even with just a partial schedule, things are already getting crazy!

Teaching Sunday School yesterday, I had some new thoughts (for me) about an old story and what better place to share. This may just be my new favorite Bible Story for awhile. The story, Paul and Silas in jail. You know the one. Paul and Silas are imprisoned for sharing Jesus. Because they are such "bad dudes", they are put in shackles and placed in the middle of the prison. The part saved for the really bad criminals. They are put under guard. They don't whine or complain, instead, they sing. They praise God in the midst of imprisonment. And then, the floor starts shaking, the shackles fall off, the doors of the prison are opened. The perfect chance for escape! The guard, realizing he must have lost all his prisoners prepares to kill himself. And then...before he does anything crazy...Paul and Silas announce that all the prisoners are still there.

Okay, so I've heard the story a million times. I have heard lessons, and even taught them, about how they worshipped in the jail, yada, yada, yada. But yesterday, something else struck me. I know it is because of our recent circumstances, but I like it anyway. You see, in our culture, in our church, we always talk about open doors. If God is leading you somewhere, the doors will open. If you are headed in the wrong direction, He will close them. It is a lovely, comforting thought. The path seems so clear. And yet, in this story, the door opens...but Paul and Silas...they stay. They didn't walk through that open door. I'm sure they wanted to. I'm sure as they sat in that prison, they longed to be free. Maybe they talked about what they might have been doing. Maybe they had a strategy session for what they would do when they got out of there. I wonder if they felt frustrated that their ministry was being slowed down because of this little bump in the road. They may have wept for those they wouldn't get to talk to because they were "locked up".

I can only imagine what was going through the minds of the prisoners as the shaking began and the shackles fell off. And most of all, I wonder...why did they stay? Of course, Paul and Silas, despite that opened door must have felt the Spirit of God telling them to stay. But what about the others. There may have been some rough characters in there. Surely they longed to be free themselves...and what an opportunity. What held them there? Was it the darkness? The guard called for lights, but that was only after the prisoners told him not to kill himself. Was it amazement, did they think they had more time? Why did they stay? If I had been there...would I have stayed? Didn't that open door mean go? I am really fascinated by this right now. They stayed.

And I think about where we are right now. There was a door I thought was open, and I was ready to go through. Now, in our situation, the door seems to have closed and we are staying because, well, we have no choice. But sometimes, it seems, God calls us to stay. Even when we want to go. Even when it seems we have so much to offer on the other side. Even when we are frustrated because staying seems so fruitless. God called them to stay. God seems, for now, to be calling us to say. I can pout, I can fuss, I can cry and complain. Or I can sing. I can praise and maybe, just maybe I can have an impact right here.

Do you know the end of the story? The guard invites Paul and Silas to his home where they share the good news and the guard, along with his whole family believed and were baptized. I wonder, how many more believed after? How many people did the guard share with? How many ladies heard the story as they drew water from the well? All because they stayed. And so, while my heart longs to go...I will stay. I will try to have an impact, I will try to share the story, I will try to do it with a good attitude and maybe some one's life will be changed just because we stayed.

Change

I HATE change! I HATE it! I go into it kicking and screaming. I hate it so much that once you walk into my house...you have seen it. The furniture will never change. The "stuff" lying around as decorations will still be there years from now. I cook the same meals, go to the same restaurants and wear the same clothes all the time. When I find something in a restaurant that I like, I will order that item forever. No matter how they change the menu. No matter how delicious something else looks, I won't change. I HATE going to new stores, new restaurants or new places. I just really hate change.

And so...you would think that a few weeks ago, when a potential change presented itself, I would have dreaded it. I normally wouldn't have even thought twice. And yet, something about it called to me. It seemed right. I began looking forward and thinking, with excitement all that this change could mean. I had fun daydreaming and making plans...just in case. I pictured how things "could be" and I actually looked forward to it, embracing change, desiring change.

And now...well now, it seems that change may not be happening after all. It seems that things may just stay the same. Maybe the change will happen, eventually, but not in my timing, and I find myself staring sameness in the face. I don't like it. Now, the thought of another year of the same thing is KILLING me!

I could cry at the thought of another year home schooling a jr. high student. I dread the thought of entertaining a two year old while I try to do Spelling with a second grader. A year with TWO children doing Science Fair sends shutters down my spine. Another season of Bible Study and Sunday School and Dance and Guitar. I'm adding a thing or two, a ministry at a local apartment, FB is running cross country...but I am so depressed by what usually brings me comfort...as evidenced by the MOUNTAINS of processed food I have eaten in the last week.

Why is it I have so much trouble being content? I'm not sure why I cannot just trust God's hand and His plan. I'm not sure why I so often question when He is so faithful...but that is what I am doing right now. I'm not sure why I am even sharing this in such a public way except that I need to get it out, I need to express my heart. I have poured this out to God...He says wait. Pitifully, I have no 3 a.m. friends to whine to right now, so the world wide web gets it instead. On the upside, when you don't post for weeks at a time, people stop reading and there is a very good chance I will just get this off my chest and no one else will ever read it...that is okay. I just need to vent.

So, I'm off. We have begun school and math is calling...as is Tigercub who does not appreciate Momma, his summer playmate, putting him off for unimportant things like reading and phonics. Maybe we will finish early and go out to the pool. Tigercub can nap, the big kids can swim, and I can dream about what might have been! Maybe I'll write a country music song! I can feel one coming on!

Coffee Talk 7.2.10

Good Morning ladies! Hope your morning is as beautiful as it is here in West Tn today! Pull up a chair and visit for awhile. Are you enjoying your summer? How is your weather? This week started out as a scorcher but as the week has progressed it has become milder and quite lovely!

The weather has really been a blessing because this week some people from our church ran a Sports Camp for area underprivileged children. We had almost 120 children participate. Each day from 3-5, the children would come, learn a sport (we had seven to choose from) and be served a small meal. I worked registration since I have no actual skill in sports. Yesterday we had a representative from FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) come and give a short message. He was AMAZING! I don't know if any decisions were made but I do know that 120 children were exposed to the name of Jesus and that seeds were planted...and the week was totally worth the complete and total exhaustion I am feeling today.

I mentioned last week a book I had just read, called Radical by David Platt. It has really been a life changing book and so I just wanted to mention it again. The subtitle of the book is something like, Taking back your Christianity from the American dream. As Americans, we live in a really materialistic society and we have sort of a watered down Christianity. I really have always been content just to live my faith here in America, pray for a missionary or two, hope people know I'm a christian without my having to really put myself out there, and maybe give a little money to foreign missions when the Lottie Moon Christmas Offering comes around. This book has just absolutely rocked those attitudes. Perhaps the most convicting thing I have learned or acknowledged is that the Bible says JESUS is the way, the truth, and the life...John 14:6. American Christians like to sit back in our luxurious houses (and if you have a floor and a ceiling...it IS luxurious) and think that all those indigenous tribes out there that have never heard the name of Jesus but are doing the best they can are going to be okay. They aren't! Jesus is the ONLY way. We cannot be passive! A person must hear the name of Jesus if they are going to accept Him and if they don't, they will receive the punishment we all deserve. That is so humbling to me. If I do nothing, if I say nothing, if I do not go or do not tell...someone WILL die without knowing the saving grace of Jesus. It will involve sacrifice, people will be offended, we may be uncomfortable...but it will be worth it! How can we not go and how can we not tell?

To be perfectly honest...if my husband would go along with me, I would probably sell my house today and go run an orphanage somewhere in a third world country after reading this book and studying more in the scriptures. My heart has changed and my passion has changed. I ache for the millions of unreached people who are dying without Jesus because they have never had a chance to hear His name. They have never had a chance to choose because they don't know there is a choice to be made. How many are hungry for the truth but do not even know it? Is there someone today that would accept Jesus if I gave the money to send a missionary, or an orphan that would be given a christian family if I would be obedient? My heart breaks for the wasted time and I hope and pray that I will never be passive again. I pray that I would be willing to alienate family, friends and blog readers in order to be obedient to Christ. If you get a chance, read this book. Go online and listen to the sermons of David Platt and pray that God would show you His heart.

Sorry, I am on a bit of a soapbox this morning but God is so good. He is so faithful and so loving...I cannot imagine never hearing His truth. He blessed me just this week with an amazing talk with a special friend. How has he blessed you? Can you keep others from that same blessing?

For more Coffee Talk got to Home Sanctuary.

Lessons

On the Lighter Side:

1. I'm just really not even in the running for Mother of the Year. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be supermom. But surely there are a few standards: like being able to walk through the house without tripping over a shoe or maybe being able to eat a meal without first moving a stack of school papers. Then there is always the chance they would interview my children. THAT would surely be the end of the line. Once they had a little sit down and found out from Football Boy that not only would I not encourage Daddy to quit his job and move us all to L.A. to start FB's acting career and then this week we said no to the basketball team--well, we can forget about a vote from our oldest!!!
2. If you go to Jason's Deli on Tuesday night. AND you order from the new girl who is not entirely sure what she is doing. You can feed a family of six for Eleven dollars and some change. Yes! ELEVEN dollars! Plus, she'll throw in a free pickle for Dancer who is devastated it didn't come with her pb&j! I can't even cook for that cheap! Now--if they will just keep hiring new girls...
3. If you stop exercising, drinking your 8 cups of water and drinking your green smoothies at lunch and replace all that with a diet of candy corns, popcorn & M&M's, and chocolate covered peanuts, all that weight it took months to lose will come back very quickly and you will begin to look pregnant again--really NOT a good look!
4. If you leave a pan of uncooked rice out (that was being used in an educational activity, of course) and a certain 21 month old dumps it all over the kitchen floor, Tigerfan will volunteer to vacuum it up while you get the children bathed. Wondering if this would translate to all the rooms of the house...I may just have discovered how to get the house vacuumed this week!

On the More Serious Side:

1. You may or may not know that this has not been the best school year we have ever had (okay, I kid, everyone knows that because I have whined about it non stop for the last week or seven). I have been on my knees more than I ever have in my life trying to figure things out. I will be honest. I have been not only frustrated but just plain mad at God for not "fixing" things for me. On the bright side, I have found a much deeper faith than I have had in the past because despite the fact that at some points I have really WANTED to just stop talking to God, I have found that I can yell and whine to Him and tell Him how angry I am, but I can't stop believing in Him or ignoring His presence and authority. I have been disappointed after pouring out my heart, waking up optimistically to a new day only to find it was worse than the day before--and I have cried out asking why and what was I supposed to do. Things haven't changed much, although I can start to see a shifting a bit. What has changed is my perspective. As an American, I have gotten used to a pretty easy life (still live one, as a matter of fact). My struggles revolve around plumbing leaks and money woes...but I HAVE a house, and a husband, and enough food for my family. I have thought a lot lately about my struggles, and they are real. They are painful and frustrating and exhausting! But God never promised an easy life. I think as Americans, we have grown to expect that, I know I have. But there are many beautiful christian people in other countries who will not have enough food to feed their families today. There are faithful, loving Christians that will go to jail, be beaten, and possibly martyred today in other places simply for their faith! Our life abundant is not necessarily an easy life void of problems...it is a life full of Jesus and of a hope a non christian just doesn't have!
2. Along these lines, as we have suffered through this year, I am learning that I CANNOT do this alone on my strength. I am out of fight. I am tired! But that is where, if I choose to, I can lay down and let my Father in Heaven fight for me. You see, all this time, I have prayed, asked for peace or help or something...and then immediately taken back the control and tried to do things on my own. And right now, my own just isn't enough. I have never really been stripped down to just total dependence on Him, and that is where I am. I admit, I don't like it. I am kicking and screaming and shaking my fist. But in those moments when I remember, I don't have to do it alone...in those moments, I find peace.
3. Be careful what you pray about. A few months ago in a Bible Study, we discussed the growth that you have during a struggle. I realized I had never really struggled through anything. I have healthy children--a healthy family, no marital problems to speak of...other than I keep leaving my shoes out and that REALLY irritates Tigerfan, no major financial woes, no prodigal children. For the most part, I have never deeply struggled. And so, without really asking, I asked. I wanted a deeper relationship with God. I wondered if I was tested, would I stand. And now, here we are. I must admit, though this trial has been quite small compared to what many suffer, God has allowed me to walk through a tough time--and I am embarrassed by my lack of faith, my lack of trust...I have been so easily shaken. And yet--I already feel a bit stronger, knowing that my God has not left me. Understanding that my answers aren't always His, but His are always better. I am not sure how much longer this time of learning will be--I think it is going to be a tough year! But I KNOW that I have a Heavenly Father that is walking through it with me. Thank God for that hope!

Peace in the Storm

I have no business being on this blog. It is 10:00, I have to plan and set out lessons for tomorrow, empty the dishwasher, fill the dishwasher, clean the kitchen and feed my sourdough starters and still try to be in bed by 10:00...see the problem?

Anyway. This last week was rough! I mean rough! I am finding that systems of schooling I have used in the past just aren't working right now. Things are chaotic and I am stressed and you know what they say, "When Momma ain't happy..."

Anyway, I have devoted an inordinate amount of time this weekend trying to research and pray and figure out how to do things differently, something has got to change. And in a very un-me like fashion, I have actually allowed myself to "give it to God" and leave it. Because I am very good at taking those things back!

Well, this afternoon, I was working on my children's Bible Study for the week. Each day we will be studying a different story illustrating peace and on Friday, the lesson is on Jesus calming the storm. I must be honest. This was the, I really need one more story lesson. You know, the one that I just added 'cause I needed a little more. But as I was typing up the Bible study...I was just awed at how God used this story for me! Yes, me! I am writing a children's Bible study. I am trying to teach them...okay, I am trying to show them how much they drive me crazy with all their fighting and JUST GET ALONG ALREADY, OKAY!!! But after reading the passage, I was preparing questions and discussion points and I wrote this:

"With just a few words, Jesus calmed the storm. He brought peace. Jesus can do that for you (And for me!). No problem is too big. He can handle school, annoying brothers and even demanding parents. The Bible says, "He commanded even the winds and the water, and they obey him." That is what He can do for you.

When life is not peaceful...call on Jesus.

When friends are unkind...call on Jesus.

When siblings are driving you crazy...call on Jesus.

When a loved one is sick or your family is struggling or your dad lost his job...call on Jesus.

I could add here, when school isn't going well, when your schedule is crazy, when you are drained and cannot seem to be refilled...call on Jesus.

You might not be able to calm the storm yourself, but He can! Pray and leave your "stormy" thoughts to Him...he can handle them!

Maybe those words weren't meant for anyone else...but they just floored me today. My God is the One who can calm the storm. No, I can't handle this on my own and yes, the problems will still be there tomorrow. But praise God, I have a savior today that can speak peace! He can calm the winds and calm the waters and soothe my tumultuous soul! I pray for God's peace for each of you today...I know many of you are going through struggles far worse than a crazy year, God can give you peace as He walks you through the fire! Call to Him because He is faithful...maybe He is just waiting for you to ask before He speaks those words!

And Now it's Time for Deep Thoughts...

As you may know I have been busy around here making Dancer a little outfit. Although I took Home Ec in school, I would definitely not consider myself a seamstress and had not sewn in YEARS until a couple of years ago when Dancer moved out of toddler sizes into the big girl clothes.



The fashions now are a little better, but at that time they were not modest or very little girl like and I really wanted to find her cute, modest clothing at an affordable price. At that time, I stumbled upon Aimee's sight, Sewsensible. I commented, she emailed and before long she was coaching me through making Dancer an outfit. I was SO proud when I completed my first one and have gone on to make a few more over the past couple of years.



I say all that because I recently finished a new pattern I had never made before. I was so proud, patting myself on the back and posting pictures everywhere! I even sent some to Aimee. She was so kind and gracious...but then she informed me that I had done the pleats wrong on the top. I couldn't believe it! I loved my little outfit and I really thought I had followed the pattern exactly!



I began to "research" I took the pictures I had made and studied them, which, by the way, was not an easy task because they are not good pictures. They are a little blurry and they have a glare on them, but I studied them as best I could. I then went to Aimee's website and checked out the picture of her outfit. I could definitely see that her pleats met in the middle and I knew from making it that my pleats did not, but they were close. The thing is...even though I KNEW my pleats didn't meet, I couldn't really tell in my pictures, not as hard as I tried--I couldn't tell. But Aimee could.



So here is where my deep thought comes in. Aimee is the creator of that pattern. She has worked with it, developed it, tested it, redone it. She has drawn and redrawn it and sewed the outfit probably countless times. She has pleated and re pleated and she KNOWS that pattern. She knows it so well that even looking at a blurry, glared photograph, she can see a flaw and knows exactly what it is! She knows every stitch, every cut, every pleat and knows exactly what that pattern is meant to be.



That is how my Creator knows me! Sometimes, I get so frustrated and feel like no one understands, no one really knows me, no one "gets" me. But my creator knows me inside and out. He knows every detail about me and He knows His plan for me. He knows just exactly how He wants me to "turn out". Sometimes, I don't follow the pattern He has prepared for me. I get off track and take my eyes off Him and I end up not looking quite right. Sometimes, I do everything in my power to make the world see me how I want to look--but He sees me as I really am. With all my flaws, with all my insecurities, with all my longings--He sees me and He knows me and He loves me!



How comforting it is to know that I am known by my creator that much! I am loved by my creator that much. He doesn't just make me and forget about me. He loves me continually, thoroughly, completely. He is continually cutting, stitching, repairing me to make me into the one He created me to be! Oh, for the day when I can look into His eyes and worship at His feet, perfected by His love.

Psalm 139:1-17
1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

California...Here We Come?

If you are family, a Facebook friend, or have perhaps just figured it out from the last few posts, you will know that there has been a little drama around the Tigerden lately. It all began with a visit from my parents and my sister's family. We had an awesome time. Too awesome. Because when they left, FB was devastated! He decided we needed to move west and for a solid week he moped, pouted, job hunted for Tigerfan, and planned the BIG MOVE! He was clingy and slightly annoying (I know, you aren't supposed to say that about your own child...but it is true!).

Finally...FINALLY he snapped out of it. Unfortunately, it was replaced by a new even more impossible dream. To move to L.A. and become a child actor. Oh, how I wish I was kidding right now. I cannot even believe I am typing this post...but I am.

And people, he is OBSESSED! He has spent the last 2 days watching every second of television I will allow. When I force him off, he goes straight for the computer to "research" his new found passion. He can give you the bio on every Disney actor you can think of. He has googled how to get into acting and asked me how to hire an agent.

Tigerfan and I have suggested that maybe he ease into it. You know, like being in a local play. But no. It must be L.A. Preferably Disney. And it would really be great if he could get a STARRING role in one of his two favorite programs. Today would be good. I mean really. Once I forbid all technology, he begins aimlessly walking around the house almost in tears lamenting the fact that we have not yet moved him to the Hollywood Hills. I have been pounded with questions about earthquakes in that area: Are the studios earthquake proof, how many do they have, when was the last one. I have been asked every school related question possible: Where do child actors go to school, When do they do lessons when they are filming? Where do they go to college?

He is DRIVING ME CRAZY! He is clinging to me constantly begging for me to make this happen. I don't want to squelch his dream. If this is his passion...okay, give it time. However, history shows that in about 3 days something else will come along and the whole acting thing will be a brief, albeit painful, memory.

As I was hiding, I mean cleaning the kitchen, tonight, I really began to think about this situation of ours...which, by the way, one friend has informed me is fueled by pre-pubescent hormones and should only last approximately one or two more years! I realized, that so often, I am the same way to my Heavenly Father.

I get a dream, a desire, an idea into my head and I immediately assume that is His best for me. I then proceed to beg, plead, cry, pout and bargain to try to show God how right that thing is for me. I can see all the wonderful, positive reasons why God should give me this or allow that, and when He says no, I am baffled, angry, confused. I whine, I pout and I "cling" to God explaining to Him how great it would be, how effective I could be for Him "if only..." I tire out His ears explaining all my research, thoughts, ideas, questions but I never really take time to be still and listen for Him.

As an adult, as a parent, I can look at this desire of FB's and see so many things wrong with his plan. I know what happens to most child actors. I know how hard it is to break into that world and how hard it is to stay committed to Christ in the midst of it. I look and see so many things that could go wrong and I can see why this might not be the best. But...I don't really know, could God use him there? OF COURSE! That is just it, I don't know.

How much more can I trust my Heavenly Father. He Knows! When I begin begging, pleading, hoping, dreaming, He KNOWS what is best. He knows what will go wrong and He knows what is right. He wants the best. Not good...the best. When He says no, it is because there is something so much better that He has for me. Why don't I listen to that? Why do I spend so much time clinging instead of listening and obeying? I have a loving Father who desires to give me the best, to shield me from mistakes and to use me! He has a plan for ME, for you, and for Football Boy! How blessed we are to have such a loving Father and how I desire to reflect Him in my parenting!

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Longing

noun--strong, persistent desire or craving, esp. for something unattainable or distant: filled with longing for home.

Have you ever had a longing for something. A desire. A craving for something that seemed just out of reach. Wanting for it. Begging for it, yet never quite able to reach it.

I've been thinking a lot today about the things I long for.

Things that I have longed for in the past, like marriage and children and have finally received. Things I longed for and never received and yet somehow were forgotten. Boys I had a crush on or the "must have" I never got.

Some of those longings seem so silly now--yet it was heartbreaking at the time.

Some of those longings were so different than what was expected...like children! Worth it? You bet! Easy? Never!

I guess I never expected, at 37, to still be filled with such longings. Still longing for significance, a longing to know, to REALLY KNOW, my Heavenly Father, a longing for a true, deep friendship, a longing to be closer to my family, a longing just to see my sister even for just a week.

I don't think those longings are bad, but sometimes they consume me and I begin to ask why. To question. I begin to wonder am I not holy enough? Not pretty enough? Not talented enough?

I am sure there will be many longings I never receive. There will probably be more no's than yes's (cause I have a pretty big wanter!) and yet, today, as I mulled over (okay...pouted over) some of those longings, I realized that I'm not questioning as much as I used to.

In the past few months, I have done some reading and Bible study that really encouraged me to know God. To be still and allow Him to show Himself to me. To read about Him searching for who He is. Not out of guilt or obligation or to check it off my to do list, but out of a passion to draw nearer to Him.

I must admit, I have been skeptical. I haven't seen a hand writing in the sky. I haven't heard a thunderous voice...let's face it, I haven't even heard a whisper. But I have been still, I have been getting to Know Him better. And today, in the midst of a no that I really don't want to hear, I realized...it is okay. God is good...all the time. Not just when I get what I long for, but when I don't as well. I will probably never understand, this side of Heaven, why there were things He said no to. But He is still Good. He is still God. A God of love. A God of peace. A God who Knows ALL things.

One of my deepest longings, for quite sometime, has been to have a really close girl friend. Someone who I "get" and who "gets" me. Someone I feel comfortable sharing my heart with. Someone I can laugh with and whine to and cry with and be totally stupid with. I have never really had that. I am usually the third wheel. The other friend. The one who latches on. I have prayed about this, cried about this, begged for this. I have told God how much I needed this friend and even explained to Him, very thoroughly, about how He created us for relationships and companionship and so it really was His duty to provide me with someone. Someone female so we could have "girl time". Someone who I could actually see and touch. Someone whose phone number I knew and lived in, you know, the same time zone! That is not such a tall order for the Almighty, right!

And yet, that friend has not yet introduced herself to me! Oh, I have friends but not THE FRIEND, come on, girls, you know what I mean.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, I had a house guest and she told me something so profound! She had THAT friend. They did everything together. Their kids were the same ages, they home schooled together, went on field trips together, everything. And then, one day, the friend told her they were moving. She was DEVASTATED! She cried and prayed and begged, but the friend moved away. Now, looking back, she sees that during that time, she learned to rely on God, not herself and not her friend, but God. That reliance on God has gotten her through some really, really hard times in the past few years. He has brought and is faithfully bringing her through things she never imagined she would experience and the relationship that she was forced into with Him has been what she clung to.

Oh, how I long to be satisfied with Him as that friend. You see, I have that friend I long for, I can talk to Him day or night and if I seek Him, I will find Him. He is not what I had pictured when I began praying that my longing be fulfilled. I can't touch Him, but He touches me. I can't see Him, but I can see His creation. I don't know everything about Him but He knows, understands and loves every part of me.

That, my friends is so exciting, because He is the answer to my longing. Not unattainable, not too distant...right here, waiting...longing for me!

Coffee Talk--I tell ya, the inspired Titles Just Keep Coming!

Good Morning my sweet friends! This morning I can offer you lots to drink, just not coffee, and how about some DELICIOUS Amish Friendship Bread. I think my diet is going to have to wait until these two loaves are gone...so eat up!

Hope everyone has had a great week!

It has been a typical, crazed week around here! We finally have all of our projects done (yeah!) and hopefully won't have anymore! The school year is coming to an end! Dancer "graduates" from kindergarten on Thursday and I think we have 14 days left in the school year total! I can hardly wait for that first glorious week of summer!

I have just finished reading an amazing book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. It is probably the most convicting book I have ever read! Totally makes you rethink...well, everything. But it is really good, really life-changing!

Would you believe that last week, soon after posting my crazy week...my washing machine died. With a tub full of water and clothes! Oh, yes it did! Anyway, Tigerfan talked to someone who said we might as well replace the machine because it was going to be so expensive to fix it really wasn't worth it. So, on a BEAUTIFUL Saturday morning, instead of putting in my garden, I researched washing machines. Just as I had decided what to get, Tigerfan came home from hunting and went into the laundry room...in a matter of minutes, he came out triumphantly telling me to stop my research...he could fix it! I must admit, it felt a little like a mixed blessing. Sure, it was going to save us a minimum of $700, but I had gotten a little excited dreaming about my shiny new high efficiency, front loading miracle machine. A week later...I am SO GRATEFUL! Tigerfan was able to fix the machine for $31. On Wednesday, our upstairs air went out and when the guy came to fix it, he found a leak in the hot water heater! I am so thankful for a knowing God.

I have struggled with intimacy with my Heavenly Father. I totally know He CAN be with us, and I totally believe He listens and hears other people, but I always struggle with believing He will hear ME. I am so insignificant, my prayers are so small. And yet, last Friday...I prayed. I prayed that God would show me the washing machine to buy. I prayed He would direct me and that I would listen. I prayed that He would help my unbelief because I realized that in the whole scheme of things, my washing machine really wasn't all that important. But that is exactly why I needed Him, to know that He is there even in the mundane. It is so easy for me to see Him as a big God, but so much more difficult to see Him as an every minute of the day kind of Father. But He is! I did not get my fancy washing machine, but I got a gentle reminder from my God, a little whisper telling me He is faithful even in those weak faith moments!

I can trust Him this week...even in an 80 degree house. I can trust Him when the projects surpass the time. I can trust Him when my 16 month old learns to open the door and escape to his father who is out weed eating (yes, this happened this week, too). He is a right here, right now, on time God. I cannot understand how the God who created the universe can know me so intimately...and yet He does. I hope you can find rest in that this week...because He knows you too, and loves you with an everlasting love!

God bless! Have a great weekend!

Be sure to visit Home Sanctuary for more Coffee Talk or to join us in making our homes a little more peaceful by becoming a Company Girl!

What is Your Love Language? Mine is Chocolate!

Have you read that book...The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? I actually haven't, but I totally know a lot about it!


Anyway, I am not sure why, but for some reason it has been on my mind a lot lately. I would really like to know the Love Language of my husband and children. So, I have been doing a little research (the online variety...my favorite!). Of course, if I was doing this right, I guess I would just go get the book and read it...but where is the challenge in that, really?


Okay, so in my online explorations, I read that you can take a test to figure out your love language. So, I clicked on it. And my answer...YES!


I mean seriously:

I like to spend one-on-one time with you.

I feel loved when you give practical help to me.

Is there really a choice there? I like them both. It was totally like that with the whole test. So basically, in a nutshell the languages are:

1. Words of affirmation-I like those

2. Quality time-of course!

3. Receiving gifts-who doesn't like an unexpected prize now and then?

4. Acts of service-Love 'em

5. Physical touch-especially with no "expectations", Yeah!

So, do you see my problem? I have no idea my love language...I kinda like 'em all!


I also read that you should see how your mate expresses love to you and that is an indication of their love language. So, in the past week, Tigerfan has left me two sweet little notes, bought me my favorite "gourmet" ice cream and took me to breakfast, helped me with undone chores, hung out with me in the evenings after the kids went to bed, and rubbed my neck and shoulders, just because.


See, that is a problem...he does them all! That means he likes them all, too!

Now, I know Dr. Chapman is a renowned speaker, author, counselor and all, and I think this whole love language thing is a great idea. I just think that sometimes you can improve on a good idea.

For instance, in MY opinion...my love language is chocolate. Yep, chocolate and if ya throw in a diet soda, I'll be yours forever! Now, Tigerfan...he can take or leave the chocolate, but bake him a good ole apple pie and he is IN LOVE! And...the test works! Because what do I love to give more than anything? Chocolate...that is why I am forever making chocolaty, delightful desserts only to have them snubbed by Tigerfan because deep in his inner self, he just wants apple pie!

It totally works for the kids, too!

Football boy loves him some Pizza and Dr. Pepper. Nothing says "I Love You" more than some pepperoni and sugary, caffeine laden bubbles!

Baseball boy? Well, give him some salty chips and some fruit...with ketchup (ewwww!)

Dancer-Chocolate and Peanut Butter people...She has a lifetime commitment with Reeses. Throw in a little chocolate milk and it is the REAL THING-FOREVER!!!

It even works for the baby! Yep, give Tigercub a puffy Cheetoh, and all is good in the world!

So, I'm not sure if I'll ever figure out what Dr. Chapman would say my love language is...but as for my family, I totally have them figured out...I just need to go to the grocery store and probably plan to spend the latter half of our lives at a fat farm!

But at least we will be feeling the love!

One of Only a Very Few Deep Thoughts I Will Have This Year

**Okay, I am giving up on putting in the Company Girls Coffee thingy...I can't figure it out, I really need an inhouse techy**

Anyway...that night as I got ready for bed and was going over the events of the day, I thought about that discussion. Isn't that how we so often are in our spiritual walk. God gives us a blessing and we just want more. Thank you for my house...but I really wish it was bigger or nicer or in a better location. My church is great...but the music could be better or the S.S. more fun. I love my husband...but I wish he would listen more, help more, be home more. You get the picture. I never seem to be happy, I always expect just a little more. I twist around His promises and then get put out that He isn't following through. I forget that it isn't all about me.

I often pray very specifically thinking only how something will impact me and feel let down, forgotten, disappointed when my "shopping list" is denied. So, I have really tried to watch my attitude since then, tried to think about the consequences...and it is interesting. This week, we have been under winter weather advisories. Monday evening, the speculation about whether or not school would be cancelled began. I must admit...I wanted school to be cancelled. I wanted to stay home, to sleep late, to take it easy. I so wanted to pray, to actually pray, for a snow day. And then I got on Facebook. I read several entries about how badly people needed to work, needed their kids to go to school, etc. All of a sudden, it wasn't about me. For the first time, in a very long time, I could see the big picture and stop focusing on my little world. Sometimes God says no to me because He is saying yes to someone else. It isn't because I am not important, it isn't because He doesn't care. He does care. He cares enough to tell me no. He sees so far beyond my understanding...and I am so glad. Parenting my four is hard enough...imagine parenting 6 billion or so!

And so, I am sharing with you...because I think sometimes we all feel let down. Sometimes we all wonder if He is really listening or if He really cares. Sometimes we all mix up our expectations with His promises and end up feeling denied, ignored or forgotten. And somehow, it brings me such peace to know that maybe my blessing comes in giving up a blessing for someone else.

By the way, we ended up with not one, but two snow days. Yee-haw!

What I Learned This Week

Jo-Lynne at Musings of a Housewife is starting a new carnival this week about what you learned over the week. I really hadn't planned on doing this. Because, well that takes a lot of thought and internal searching and I have been trying to do as little as possible of that lately.

However, I am also rather desperate for things to blog about so the need to blog overrides laziness!

So what have I learned this week?

I have learned, through Facebook, that it is incredibly hard to come up with 25 random facts about myself and that I am essentially a very boring person!

I have learned that I LOVE the fact that our school superintendent is from Florida and will cancel school at the mere mention of snow, ice, or even really cold temps. As a result, we are sitting home today (no tutorial) in perfectly fine weather, enjoying a free day and celebrating Tigerfan's birthday!

On a more serious note, I am learning about significance. It is something I have struggled with most of my adult life. Strangely, I was fine with anonymity when I was young. And I actually don't want a lot of attention now. I just want to feel like I have meaning. Like I have accomplished something great! And if I am honest, I want others to notice how great I am (for what, I am not sure). It is why I get down when only 5 people have read my blog in one day or when I think I write something really funny and no one comments. It is why I am scared to say anything in Bible study because if I think it is profound and someone disagrees, I would be mortified. It is why it is so hard for me to embrace the love and acceptance I am freely offered in Christ because I haven't done anything to earn it...so how can He even really notice me. I am struggling to learn, right now, that it is nothing I have done or will ever do that makes God love me. There is no accomplish good enough to earn His acceptance and no mistake bad enough to exclude me. I don't understand how He can create a huge universe and still know my name. But I know He does. I don't understand how I can do so little and be loved so much, but I know I am. So, I am significant. Not because of astounding beauty or great accomplishments or even my stellar wit and writing ability. I am significant because I am His. And that is enough!

Like an Ostrich

You may have noticed that I have not mentioned much about the election. Okay, I haven't mentioned anything. I have read many other blogs with political themes, I have even commented a few times. But, overall, I have kept quiet. I am not a political strategist or greatly knowledgeable in the running of our country. I have my opinions, other people have theirs.

I loved many blogs I read today and found this and this, both from the Mother Load to be great reads! But mostly today, I have been of the "stick your head in the sand" philosophy. I am so sad and so disheartened by the elections. I know the results were no surprise...I guess I was just hoping for a miracle. And so, I haven't watched T.V., haven't read the paper, haven't listened to the radio. I just can't take it. I don't want to see the celebrations, don't want to hear the liberal media's commentaries, don't want to hear interviews about how lucky we are!

I have even read comments today from people from other countries (obviously not on my blog) saying how lucky we are and basically we need to stop whining because we just don't know a good thing when we see it! Perhaps, however, the MOST alarming thing I have heard from both sides of a pitiful argument are that the moral issues really don't matter. Look at the real issues, the important issues!

Sadly, that is where we are in America today. But, America wasn't founded on a great economy. America didn't find her foundations in great healthcare or incredible foreign policy. America was founded by some who were seeking adventure, some who were seeking wealth, but mostly, America was the answer for those desperate for religious freedom. Freedom of religion, not freedom FROM religion. We have turned so far from our roots that no one seems to remember where or what we came from. That is what causes me so much sorrow!

I can't help but let my mind wander to so many stories in the Bible where God allowed His CHOSEN people to be taken into captivity, slavery, etc. because they had turned to other gods. His own people that he led out of captivity, his people that he spoke to,...His people! Are we so self assured in America that we think we are above that? Because while we are blessed, while we are included in His plan of salvation...we aren't, as a nation, his chosen ones! And I look and see a country that began willing to give their lives for Him, now serving the gods of wealth, fame, sports, beauty and so many other things.

I do not think this election took God by surprise. I know He is and always will be, in control! But I wonder, could He have just decided to allow us to live with the choices we have made this time? I do NOT think that one man can destroy this country. My god has the power to overcome a president, a congress, an army. He also has the power to let us alone. And while one man may not destroy our country, our country, most certainly, can destroy itself. I see the signs, a country more concerned with saving whales than saving babies, a country that takes prayer out of school and destroys the sanctity of marriage. A country that rewards "free thinking" yet condemns the ten commandments. What will it be next?

So, yes, I have faith that God can overcome. I believe that we can survive the next few years. I believe that this life is temporary and the eternal is so much more important. But I must tell you, I mourn today for where our country has been and where I fear it may go!

Conviction

You may have noticed that I am not exactly a deep thinker. I am that one in Bible Study who actually writes down exactly what is in my Bible or on a particularly profound day in my Bible commentary. I am the one who sits in awe when someone who read the same exact thing I did comes up with this profound meaning while I begin checking to see if we are reading the same Bible...cause I just didn't get that! I am a true Beth Moore wannabe! But, I "ain't!"

I have never aspired to be a great theological blog or really an inspirational one. I just started blogging as a way to stay connected with my family and the outside world, a way to stay sane. I have tried to be true to my faith and occasionally have made mention of what God is doing in my life, but certainly have not been profound in what I have said.

You can probably continue to expect that same level of mediocrity, because, that is just who I am. But, yesterday we had a revival speaker at church, and ya'll, he NAILED me! We live in some scary times. The economy is SCARY, the elections are SCARY, our education system (at least locally) is SCARY, the international issues are SCARY, the threat of terrorism is SCARY! But, we have a God that is more powerful than all of those things and I am not sharing him with people. We have a hope that is far greater than a president or a great teacher or even a Nobel peace prize winner. We have the Author of Peace, the Creator of the World, the Great Physician! The One and Only True God, there is no other, not money, not fame, not political power, not a great prophet or and under god. Just One and HE is in control.

I think of reasons all the time why I don't share my faith. I am home with my kids, I don't know any lost people, I live in the Bible belt...everyone knows God around here. I have shared a bit with my next door neighbor and I teach S.S. and tell my tutorial kids. But I am not passionate about telling people or sharing my faith with people. Yesterday, our preacher said to turn to the person next to you and just ask, do you know Him? I will show you. I will go with you. I will lead you. Do you want me to go with you? I looked around and my family was all around and I know that they know. So, I sat quietly and did nothing. Last night, he talked about our apathy. We live in a world that just doesn't really care that much, we don't have a passion. He asked, what could make me stop loving, serving God. Of course, the right answer is nothing. But in the middle of the night last night, I woke up from a dream about my sweet Dancer. My first thought was, God, please not my little girl. I will serve you, I will honor you, but please NEVER take my little girl...I am not willing to give her up. Then I heard Tigercub, stuffy and struggling to breathe in his baby bed and I thought, "not the baby, please never the baby!"

And I realized, I am not sold out 100%. Am I really willing to serve Him in thick or thin? In good and bad? What if something happened to a child? Would I still be faithful? Because really, I am not faithful now. I am apathetic, I find excuses, I go through the motions. But I want to be sold out. I don't ever want anyone to wonder where I stand. I don't want to get so bogged down in day to day that I forget the eternal.

So, in case you are wondering, this is where I stand. I believe in God the creator. A God, who through His own amazing power created land and sea, heaven and earth, animal and man in six days and rested on the seventh. I believe in His one and only son, Jesus, who left the glory of heaven and was born in poverty on earth, who lived a perfect life, who died taking the punishment of MY sins and who raised again to overcome death for ME...and for you. I believe that we are separated from God because of our sin but that He loves us enough to forgive us for those sins if we will just confess those sins and ask for forgiveness and I believe He has eternal life for us in Heaven if we will accept this free gift!

One day soon, I hope to add a page sharing my testimony and sharing my beliefs for anyone who may wonder or question, but for now, this will have to do. My prayer is that if ANYONE reads this blog and doesn't know Jesus, they will begin to ask, begin to question, begin to read their Bible. And, if anyone wants to ask me, I will always be here to share my faith and scriptures to back it up. If you don't have a Bible...I will get you a Bible. If you have a question, I will TRY to answer a question or point you to someone who can. So, thank you for letting me let it all out today! I feel much better now, and you can too, if you will only trust Him! So, I must ask: Do you know Him? Would you like me to go with you and show you how you can?

And now, in keeping with the lighter side of things, as our speaker was talking about apathy last night he made this comment which, do to my love of all things amish, I found hilarious: Sometimes when he begins sharing about Jesus, he can just feel how little people care, Like a bunch of Amish men in Circuit City! I'll just leave you with that! :)